He can dance like her too.

Student's 1-yr old Brother: gaga gaga

Me: Hey! How you doing?

Student's 1-yr old Brother: gaga gaga!

Me: Do you mean Lady?

Nanny: He loves Lady Gaga.

Me: Can you sing?

Student's 1-yr old Brother: Alejandro! Alejandro!

Me: That is excellent!

Student's 1-yr old Brother: Alejandro! Alejandro!

Student: Hey Ky. Quiet down there little man.

Student's 1-yr old Brother: Alejandro! Alejandro!

Me: I think that was my fault.

Student's 1-yr old Brother: [escorted out by nanny] Alejandro! Alejandro!

No need to look behind the curtain.

Me: Quit stalling. I need you to do these two pages.

Student: But wait, I was telling you a story.

Me: I'm going to time you.

Student: . . .

Me: . . .

Student: What happens if I don't do it?

Me: . .

Student: . . .

Me: Nothing. You are first student who has figured that out. Normally, when students see me take out my iPhone timer, they just do the problems.

Student: Haha! I'm not going to do it.

Me: Fine. I'll tell your mom.

Student: Ok. I'll do it. . . . . Hey, turn off the timer.

Me: No.

He knows 5 ways to kill you with a gum wrapper.

Student: I like your pen.

Me: You can have it.

Student: Awesome! I love this type of pen. I can shoot people.

Me: . . .

Student: You take out the coil and you can use it to . . .

Me: Please don't shoot anyone with that pen.

Student: Ok. I could use it as a blow dart. I would just empty the barrel and blow into it.

Me: For when you are attacked by aborigines at school? You can't have the pen.

Student: Oh, come on!

Me: You just told me two different ways you . . .

Student: There are three.

Me: I am taking back the pen.

What else can we get them to do?

Student: Did you make this review sheet?

Me: No, it was made by monkeys. Or robots.

Student: Or robot monkeys!

If I say it is 7, can we stop this? Part 2

Student: I want to help you find your favorite number. I'll say a word and you say the first number that comes into your head.

Me: Ok.

Student: What is your favorite food?

Me: 20.

Student: That was just a question. Ok. Bubbles.

Me: 0

Student: . . .

Me: How about I give you a problem and you say the right answer when it pops into your head.

Student: Fine.

My favorite number is irrational.

Student: Do you have a favorite number?

Me: Not really.

Student: How come you don't have a favorite number? You are a math tutor.

Me: I don't know. I just don't.

Student: My favorite number is 57.

Me: That is very specific.

Student: It's been my favorite number since I was 5.

Me: Really?

Student: You need a favorite number. You need to find your inner you, find your inner number.

Me: . . .

This would be weird if she weren't 5.

Student: Tehee tehee. Ha ha ha ha.

Me: Oh, you've got the giggles. Is it time to shake them out?

Student: Yes!

Me & Student: [shake] Teehee. Ha ha. Tee hee. [shake]

Student: Ok. I'm serious now.

Me: Hehee he.

Student. Ha ha. Tehee. Now you've given me the giggles! We have to do it again!

Me: Haha. Ok.

Too Many Chinese!!! Part 2

Student's Brother: We are going to order some food. Do you want to stay for dinner?

Me: Sure, what are you going to order?

Student's Brother: Here are the menus: Mexican, Indian . . .

Me: Hm . . what else?

Student's Brother: Thai . . . Chinese

Student: I don't want Chinese.

Me: Cuz you hate the Chinese.

Student: I don't hate the Chinese!

Me: Too many Chinese!

Student: I don't.

Student's Brother: . . .

Me: How about Indian?

Soy sauce runs in her veins.

Student: Kyyyyyyy! I can't believe you wrote "too many Chinese" when I was talking about the population explosion on my study guide.

Me: That's what you said. I was just typing.

Student: I handed it in to my teacher! She'll think I'm racist.

Me: Just tell her your tutor is Chinese. It'll be fine.

Guitar Villain

Me: Do you know what callous means?

Student: Like the callouses on your hands?

Me: Yup. Nice association. It also means emotionally calloused, like unfeeling.

Student: Yeah, I was thinking of when I get callouses from playing too much guitar hero.

Me: . . .

And then sometimes I just sit there.

Me: Don't forget to . . .

Student: I got this!

Me: Ok, I was just going to say . . .

Student: It's B.

Me: That's right.

Student: I'm doing really well so far.

Me: I guess my work here is done.

Bring in da noise . . .

Me: What does defunct mean?

Student: Like bring in defunct?

Me: . . .

Lazy Liar.

Me: Indolent means lazy. Can you think of a person you know who is indolent?

Student: My brother! He lied and said he couldn't take me to school, but it was really because he was lazy.

Me: Ok. Your brother was indolent about taking you to school.

[Later]

Me: What does indolent mean?

Student: Indolent means . . . don't tell me!!

Me: . . .

Student: Indolent . . .

Me: Who did we say was indolent?

Student: My brother! So it means a liar!

There are no words.

Me: You used good and bad a lot in your essay, so let's make a list of words you can use to replace them.

Student: Ok.

Me: Do you know any synonyms for bad?

Student: Abysmal?

Me: Really?

Student: What?

Me: You had abysmal in your head this whole time and you used bad instead?

Student: That's pretty abysmal, huh?

Me: Exactly.

Next time, ask him to throw a stapler.

Student: How did I do on my practice test?

Me: You did well on everything except the reading comp.

Student: Oh. I was distracted. Three of my friends were there.

Me: That makes sense. This passage though, you did really well.

Student: I remember that passage. That was when my friend threw a pencil at me.

Me: . . .

Student: Maybe I can get him to throw pencils at me during the test.

Me: That seems like a perfectly reasonable strategy.

Not just any prosaic word.

Student: I used one of our vocab words yesterday in school!

Me: That's awesome. Which word?

Student: Prosaic. I just added it nonchalantly into my sentence. Aren't you impressed?

Me: I'm more impressed that you just used nonchalantly.

Math Masochist.

Student: Why are these problems so hard? Why are you doooing this to me?

Me: You asked me to.
Student: But these are especially mean.
Me: You asked for them.
Student: So mean.
Me: Do you want a safe word?

Kit for Kat.

Me: Do this page.

Student: I'll do it if you me a Kit Kat.

Me: I don't have Kit Kat's.

Student: I do.

Me: Ok. Do this page and give me a Kit Kat.

Student: That isn't good for me.

Me: Ok then, how about just do this page.

The Young Dali.

Me: Why are you drawing a mustache on yourself?

Student: I'm going to say it was you.

Me: No one is going to believe that.

Student: Grandpa, look what Ky did to me!

Student's Grandpa: [passing through] It's an improvement.

Language Fowl.

Me: Amiable.

Student: Friendly.

Me:Candid.

Student: Honest.

Me: Paltry.

Student: Chicken.

Me: That would be poultry.

Student: Oh, then meager.

1/2 (v+u) = there is a limit to my knowledge.

Student: I have Physics homework.

Me: Oh. That's the one subject I can't do. I can get you a Physics tutor.

Student: No. Can't you learn it like you learned Algebra II for me.

Me: No, I relearned Algebra II. That's different. I never took Physics.

Student: You'll just look at the chapter and be fine.

Me: Ok, fine. So problem number 1. Hm . . . How long does it take an object to accelerate . . What is acceleration?

Student: . . .

Me: Oh, here it is. The first bolded term in chapter 1.

Student: . . .

Me: So the formula you would have to use . . .

Student: Can I get a Physics tutor?

Me: Yes.