Monday, November 29, 2010

He can dance like her too.

Student's 1-yr old Brother: gaga gaga
Me: Hey! How you doing?
Student's 1-yr old Brother: gaga gaga!
Me: Do you mean Lady?
Nanny: He loves Lady Gaga.
Me: Can you sing?
Student's 1-yr old Brother: Alejandro! Alejandro!
Me: That is excellent!
Student's 1-yr old Brother: Alejandro! Alejandro!
Student: Hey Ky. Quiet down there little man.
Student's 1-yr old Brother: Alejandro! Alejandro!
Me: I think that was my fault.
Student's 1-yr old Brother: [escorted out by nanny] Alejandro! Alejandro!

Friday, November 26, 2010

No need to look behind the curtain.

Me: Quit stalling. I need you to do these two pages.
Student: But wait, I was telling you a story.
Me: I'm going to time you.
Student: . . .
Me: . . .
Student: What happens if I don't do it?
Me: . .
Student: . . .
Me: Nothing. You are first student who has figured that out. Normally, when students see me take out my iPhone timer, they just do the problems.
Student: Haha! I'm not going to do it.
Me: Fine. I'll tell your mom.
Student: Ok. I'll do it. . . . . Hey, turn off the timer.
Me: No.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

He knows 5 ways to kill you with a gum wrapper.

Student: I like your pen.
Me: You can have it.
Student: Awesome! I love this type of pen. I can shoot people.
Me: . . .
Student: You take out the coil and you can use it to . . .
Me: Please don't shoot anyone with that pen.
Student: Ok. I could use it as a blow dart. I would just empty the barrel and blow into it.
Me: For when you are attacked by aborigines at school? You can't have the pen.
Student: Oh, come on!
Me: You just told me two different ways you . . .
Student: There are three.
Me: I am taking back the pen.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What else can we get them to do?

Student: Did you make this review sheet?
Me: No, it was made by monkeys. Or robots.
Student: Or robot monkeys!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

If I say it is 7, can we stop this? Part 2

Student: I want to help you find your favorite number. I'll say a word and you say the first number that comes into your head.
Me: Ok.
Student: What is your favorite food?
Me: 20.
Student: That was just a question. Ok. Bubbles.
Me: 0
Student: . . .
Me: How about I give you a problem and you say the right answer when it pops into your head.
Student: Fine.

Monday, November 22, 2010

My favorite number is irrational.

Student: Do you have a favorite number?
Me: Not really.
Student: How come you don't have a favorite number? You are a math tutor.
Me: I don't know. I just don't.
Student: My favorite number is 57.
Me: That is very specific.
Student: It's been my favorite number since I was 5.
Me: Really?
Student: You need a favorite number. You need to find your inner you, find your inner number.
Me: . . .

Friday, November 19, 2010

This would be weird if she weren't 5.

Student: Tehee tehee. Ha ha ha ha.
Me: Oh, you've got the giggles. Is it time to shake them out?
Student: Yes!
Me & Student: [shake] Teehee. Ha ha. Tee hee. [shake]
Student: Ok. I'm serious now.
Me: Hehee he.
Student. Ha ha. Tehee. Now you've given me the giggles! We have to do it again!
Me: Haha. Ok.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Too Many Chinese!!! Part 2

Student's Brother: We are going to order some food. Do you want to stay for dinner?
Me: Sure, what are you going to order?
Student's Brother: Here are the menus: Mexican, Indian . . .
Me: Hm . . what else?
Student's Brother: Thai . . . Chinese
Student: I don't want Chinese.
Me: Cuz you hate the Chinese.
Student: I don't hate the Chinese!
Me: Too many Chinese!
Student: I don't.
Student's Brother: . . .
Me: How about Indian?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Soy sauce runs in her veins.

Student: Kyyyyyyy! I can't believe you wrote "too many Chinese" when I was talking about the population explosion on my study guide.
Me: That's what you said. I was just typing.
Student: I handed it in to my teacher! She'll think I'm racist.
Me: Just tell her your tutor is Chinese. It'll be fine.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Guitar Villain

Me: Do you know what callous means?
Student: Like the callouses on your hands?
Me: Yup. Nice association. It also means emotionally calloused, like unfeeling.
Student: Yeah, I was thinking of when I get callouses from playing too much guitar hero.
Me: . . .

Monday, November 15, 2010

And then sometimes I just sit there.

Me: Don't forget to . . .
Student: I got this!
Me: Ok, I was just going to say . . .
Student: It's B.
Me: That's right.
Student: I'm doing really well so far.
Me: I guess my work here is done.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Lazy Liar.

Me: Indolent means lazy. Can you think of a person you know who is indolent?
Student: My brother! He lied and said he couldn't take me to school, but it was really because he was lazy.
Me: Ok. Your brother was indolent about taking you to school.


Me: What does indolent mean?
Student: Indolent means . . . don't tell me!!
Me: . . .
Student: Indolent . . .
Me: Who did we say was indolent?
Student: My brother! So it means a liar!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

There are no words.

Me: You used good and bad a lot in your essay, so let's make a list of words you can use to replace them.
Student: Ok.
Me: Do you know any synonyms for bad?
Student: Abysmal?
Me: Really?
Student: What?
Me: You had abysmal in your head this whole time and you used bad instead?
Student: That's pretty abysmal, huh?
Me: Exactly.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Next time, ask him to throw a stapler.

Student: How did I do on my practice test?
Me: You did well on everything except the reading comp.
Student: Oh. I was distracted. Three of my friends were there.
Me: That makes sense. This passage though, you did really well.
Student: I remember that passage. That was when my friend threw a pencil at me.
Me: . . .
Student: Maybe I can get him to throw pencils at me during the test.
Me: That seems like a perfectly reasonable strategy.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Not just any prosaic word.

Student: I used one of our vocab words yesterday in school!
Me: That's awesome. Which word?
Student: Prosaic. I just added it nonchalantly into my sentence. Aren't you impressed?
Me: I'm more impressed that you just used nonchalantly.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Math Masochist.

Student: Why are these problems so hard? Why are you doooing this to me?
Me: You asked me to.
Student: But these are especially mean.
Me: You asked for them.
Student: So mean.
Me: Do you want a safe word?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Kit for Kat.

Me: Do this page.
Student: I'll do it if you me a Kit Kat.
Me: I don't have Kit Kat's.
Student: I do.
Me: Ok. Do this page and give me a Kit Kat.
Student: That isn't good for me.
Me: Ok then, how about just do this page.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Young Dali.

Me: Why are you drawing a mustache on yourself?
Student: I'm going to say it was you.
Me: No one is going to believe that.
Student: Grandpa, look what Ky did to me!
Student's Grandpa: [passing through] It's an improvement.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Language Fowl.

Me: Amiable.
Student: Friendly.
Student: Honest.
Me: Paltry.
Student: Chicken.
Me: That would be poultry.
Student: Oh, then meager.

Monday, November 1, 2010

1/2 (v+u) = there is a limit to my knowledge.

Student: I have Physics homework.
Me: Oh. That's the one subject I can't do. I can get you a Physics tutor.
Student: No. Can't you learn it like you learned Algebra II for me.
Me: No, I relearned Algebra II. That's different. I never took Physics.
Student: You'll just look at the chapter and be fine.
Me: Ok, fine. So problem number 1. Hm . . . How long does it take an object to accelerate . . What is acceleration?
Student: . . .
Me: Oh, here it is. The first bolded term in chapter 1.
Student: . . .
Me: So the formula you would have to use . . .
Student: Can I get a Physics tutor?
Me: Yes.