No need to look behind the curtain.

Me: Quit stalling. I need you to do these two pages.

Student: But wait, I was telling you a story.

Me: I'm going to time you.

Student: . . .

Me: . . .

Student: What happens if I don't do it?

Me: . .

Student: . . .

Me: Nothing. You are first student who has figured that out. Normally, when students see me take out my iPhone timer, they just do the problems.

Student: Haha! I'm not going to do it.

Me: Fine. I'll tell your mom.

Student: Ok. I'll do it. . . . . Hey, turn off the timer.

Me: No.

He knows 5 ways to kill you with a gum wrapper.

Student: I like your pen.

Me: You can have it.

Student: Awesome! I love this type of pen. I can shoot people.

Me: . . .

Student: You take out the coil and you can use it to . . .

Me: Please don't shoot anyone with that pen.

Student: Ok. I could use it as a blow dart. I would just empty the barrel and blow into it.

Me: For when you are attacked by aborigines at school? You can't have the pen.

Student: Oh, come on!

Me: You just told me two different ways you . . .

Student: There are three.

Me: I am taking back the pen.

What else can we get them to do?

Student: Did you make this review sheet?

Me: No, it was made by monkeys. Or robots.

Student: Or robot monkeys!

If I say it is 7, can we stop this? Part 2

Student: I want to help you find your favorite number. I'll say a word and you say the first number that comes into your head.

Me: Ok.

Student: What is your favorite food?

Me: 20.

Student: That was just a question. Ok. Bubbles.

Me: 0

Student: . . .

Me: How about I give you a problem and you say the right answer when it pops into your head.

Student: Fine.

My favorite number is irrational.

Student: Do you have a favorite number?

Me: Not really.

Student: How come you don't have a favorite number? You are a math tutor.

Me: I don't know. I just don't.

Student: My favorite number is 57.

Me: That is very specific.

Student: It's been my favorite number since I was 5.

Me: Really?

Student: You need a favorite number. You need to find your inner you, find your inner number.

Me: . . .